Some of you remember this blog in 2017. I blogged….a lot. I think it was because I had pent-up energy yearning for release that I had no other way of releasing because I felt so ineffectual in every other sector of my life. I felt unheard by my partner, distant from my family, non-respected (not so much a “dis” as a “non”) by people at work. I was a mess.
Truth be told, I still am, but this year, it’s not so much of a Hot Mess. Back around New Year’s, I swore 2018 would be different, come hell or high water.
And, it is; now, I’m more of a “New-And-Improved” Mess.
I’ll summarize the New-And-Improvedness later, but for now, I’d like to share with you some information I found, because I know it’s bound to help someone else out there.
Spoiler Alert: Yes, this is another astrology-themed post. (Don’t worry; those of you who have visited this blog throughout the past year or 2 will know that my blog post topics on here go in spurts; I get some wild hair up my butt and post about something for a bit (like ghosts), only to go and write about something totally different after that. Such is the randomness of Kitty.)
A little over a week ago, I got to thinking. And sometimes, thinking, for me, can be a dangerous adventure; other times, I get lucky and receive these Gifts Sent From Heaven, little lightning-bolt epiphanies that daze me and solve ongoing puzzles.
This one took a while.
When I was a teenager, I didn’t have to pick up an ephemeris (a large book of tables that tell you the astrological planetary positions on any given day for a particular timespan); I had consulted my ephemeris so often that I knew–by heart–where all the planets were and what major aspects (angles) and transits (planets right now making aspects/angles to the ones you were born with) were coming up. I even had a clue as to how to handle them and get through them relatively unscathed.
I had fallen off the astrological horse. For the past–I don’t know, 8-10 years?–I hadn’t really looked at an ephemeris. Astrological calendars my mom gives us for Christmas every year (thank you, Mom!) have an ephemeris on them for that particular month, but I’m embarrassed to say that I hadn’t given it much beyond a brief glance. I was more interested in the Mercury retrogrades and Moon voids-of-course and whatnot so that I could plan my day-to-day life. Not much else changed from day-to-day beyond that, right? So the planets are moving, life goes on.
Heh. Until it didn’t. My own life came to a slow, agonizing, grinding halt sometime in early 2016. Of course, I didn’t notice that much, because I had just found out–right near the beginning of a particular transit–that I’m on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum, so obvs, much of my attention was dominated by this new term for my brain’s operating system and the new conceptual vocabulary and community that came with it.
Point being, when my life started winding down, I barely noticed.
I did notice in 2017, though. By then, I’d gotten burned and scarred by certain members of that community on certain social media platforms and I’d weathered some bullet-holes on my own blog as well (most of those comments remain unpublished), and I was ready to re-insert myself back into my regular pre-discovery life (work, family, etc–especially work)…
…Only to find that “the world changed on us, Marty” (a reference from the movie “Sneakers”, of course), and my life was no longer where I’d left it. It had moved on me, a shift/glitch in The Matrix. It had fallen down around me, fallen away from me.
Oh what fun it is to ride.
Try as I might to bounce back, make a comeback, I couldn’t. Everything seemed rather pointless and futile. “What’s the point?” and “I’m tired” were my mottos. So was “I don’t know”. I couldn’t help repeating them often.
Fast-forward through 2017 and half of 2018, until a little over a week ago. A streak of brain-lightning hit me.
And I got to thinking… I’m in this undesirable Predicament. I lack motivation. I lack self-confidence. I lack mental clarity. I lack stamina. I lack energy. I lack initiative. Hell, I can barely get through each day, even though I’ve minimized the demands on my life by this point.
Lots of Lacking.
And it’s not for lack of trying! That’s one thing I haven’t lacked. Last summer, I restlessly tried to get out of this Funk. I knew I was in a funk and I hated it. I had tried practically everything: acupuncture (which helped for a few days at times), eating better, supplements, trying to restore my health after stopping kreteks, green tea, various Traditional Chinese Medicine formulas (which are very good and extremely effective, in most cases), walking, even counseling!
If I was lucky, I’d get relief from something like acupuncture for a few days. Most other avenues resulted in total floppage. I’m not saying they wouldn’t be effective for others, but they didn’t budge my situation.
I tried self-care, too. Resting, reading, learning, staying active however I could. Sometimes that wasn’t very much. Sometimes that was only blogging, so if that’s all I could do on a particular day (most days, in 2017), then that’s what I did.
Swearing 2018 would be different, I enrolled in school, joined a gym, and so on. I figured that maybe all would be well if I could just jumpstart my body and brain. I maintained social media silence, except for a few posts on Facebook that shared only the most monumental of events; in that way, I minimized the level of drama (and energy drain) on my life. I even called my therapist for another round of counseling.
But then (also during my epiphany a little over a week ago), I realized that in 2017, I’d been the most unipolarly depressed that I’ve been in 15 years. I figured that for me, antidepressants wouldn’t help; in my experience, they’ve only increased my apathy, which is the exact opposite of what I need. I had begun to suspect that it was my thyroid, but then last week’s labs proved that my thyroid is fine. I had started to think that maybe it was perimenopause, but indeed, it started long before that, so that couldn’t be it. I’m too young for it to be a matter of simple aging, and besides–it had come on too quickly. Simply aging doesn’t work like that.
Then I thought to myself…this feels very…astrological. Yes, it has an astrological feel to it. It’s not like me to remain in the kind of state that I’m in. Hell, it’s not even me, period.
And if it’s astrological, it’s been going on a long time, which means that it probably involves one of those slower-moving outer planets. They can be doozies anyway.
So anyway, I thought: it’s been a while since I’ve even looked at an ephemeris. At last glance several years ago, outer planets were sitting benignly where no other planets in my chart reside, so I’ve been OK. Pretty uneventful, proceed as normal, which for me, is full speed ahead. And I wonder if either of those planets have moved into a position where they’re making a tricky, tough aspect to one of my individual personal planets.
So then I thought: I’d better look at an ephemeris. (Obviously.) 😉
I pulled one up. Knowing my “tropical” astrological chart to a T, having memorized it years ago, I can take a look at current planetary positions, do the math, and see exactly where they’re sitting in my chart now.
One planet jumped out at me. I knew it. Sure. As. Shit: Neptune.
Neptune, you bastard.
Let’s talk about Neptune for a minute. Here are the basics: Neptune has an idealistic character that’s not very realistic. He’s the antithesis of logic. He’s dreamy and fuzzy, very foggy and misty. He’s got his head in the clouds but his feet are not on the ground. He’ll deceive you–not because he’s sinister, but because he can’t think straight, and he’d prefer that you don’t, either. He’s a slow-moving body guaranteed to slow things down and fog them in and seduce you into a dreamy trance, a wakeful meditation. This sounds great, but he sometimes brings depression as a companion. So you end up feeling confused and helpless. With Neptune, everything is a mystery, and he won’t let you solve it until he has moved on. Which takes a long time–years.
If he makes “nice” angles to your planets, then he brings gifts of intuition and inspiration and romanticism. But if he makes “tricky” or “tough” angles (often called “squares” and “oppositions”) to your planets, he brings confusion, hopelessness, futility, depression, desperation, and helplessness. He obscures everything; everything becomes blurry and too-low-key.
Here’s the List of Charges against Neptune:
First, early on in 2016, he began to oppose my Sun (the core of one’s being). This quieted me and drew me inward, out of my physical life and into my internal world. Some of this has been a total blessing in many ways! Especially when that internal world sprouted an Online Division. I’ve met a lot of awesome people on here, and even after this set of transits is over, I don’t plan to pull away from anybody. I want to keep the love-train going!
But in through there, I also became vulnerable. And I fully realized that vulnerability. I became ultra-sensitive. I began to depend on the online world because my outer, physical world had already crumbled. And I developed an unrelenting depression. It’s actually the online community that kept me going through all of this, because aside from my online life, I had no life. Everything else seemed pointless. Everything else took too much energy to seem worth it to keep going.
So, to be clear: it’s not my participation in the online world that caused the problem. That part has been the blessing through all this. The problem was the fact Neptune had to first make me ineffectual at work and draw me inward, to a place that my bank account would prefer I not reside. My office life evaporated and is hanging by a thread.
Neptune opposing one’s Sun can also bring about an ebb of physical and mental energy, as well as mysterious health issues that have little or no rational basis. That’s not to say that I’m hypochondriac–in fact, I’m the opposite–I’m totally unaware of what’s going on in my body and I can’t pin it down. In fact, last week’s blood test results revealed that there’s something pretty dire going on, except that the only thing I feel is some gradual-but-significant weight gain and then there’s the fatigue and loss of stamina that occur with this transit. Except… what I’m feeling is not related to my lab work findings. So I’m not even feeling my lab work findings. And this is the first lab work I’ve had done in 2 years.
Second, Neptune began to make a tricky angle (a square) to my own Neptune, which signals the beginning of the mid-life crisis where people start to get confused and tired and they begin to question everything they’ve done thus far and everything they’re doing now, and wondering “what am I doing? And is it really worth it?”
Third, Neptune has ebbed away from opposing my Sun and it has started to oppose my Mercury, only adding to the confusion. Because Neptune is starting to separate from its opposition to my Sun, some of my vitality is coming back, in the form of a desire to take some kind of action and do something already, but not quite yet (because it’s still in a loose opposition to my Sun), and I can’t decide how to do this, because Neptune is now opposing my Mercury (the planet of cognition and communication). My Mercury is already squared (yep, one of those “tricky” aspects) by Neptune when I was born, so my Mercury was a sitting duck and is defenseless against this Neptune opposition transit. I stopped trusting my judgment (because it’s not very trustworthy right now anyway). I wasn’t able to think straight; I was always missing something. I can’t express myself clearly (why do you think every post is almost 2000 words? lol).
So Neptune’s guilty as charged. He’s been shitting all over me for 2.5 straight years already, and I’ve still got another year and a half to go before he begins to let go of me.
But here’s the thing: at least now, I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (!). There’s even an end-point! – Early February of 2020. It’s a long time off yet, but at least 1) there’s an answer, and 2) the end is in sight; it’s not a lifelong thing. What I’m experiencing now is not the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life.
So… If any of you born near the end of August or in early September have been feeling crappy in some way, either mentally or physically, with a demotivation, depression, fatigue, lack of stamina, lack of fulfillment, confusion, frustration, etc that you can’t shake, or if you’ve been deceived or you’re wondering if you’re being deceived, or you feel like you don’t have your head on straight (kind of like a giant Mercury retrograde period that won’t let up) and you’re wondering what the hell is going on, look at Neptune. He might be opposing your Sun. Depending on your Mercury position, he might be opposing that, too. And if you’re tail-end Gen X like I am, he might be squaring your birth-Neptune as well.
Neptune is about dissolving the ego, even a healthy/good ego, and when he opposes your Sun, he will do this effectively. The Sun wants to shine, and he can’t shine through Neptune’s stubborn fog; it’s too dense and too heavy. Neptune is about intuition, but sometimes even your gut feelings might not serve you here. Usually I can trust my gut spot-on, but over the past couple years, I haven’t been able to. At the very least, I’ve had to question and double-check it, because I’m not sure if it’s right, nor am I sure I’m understanding/interpreting it correctly.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice about how to handle this transit yet, because I’m still smack-dab in the middle of it. I do know that it’s possible to get deceived easily, whether the deception comes from yourself or others, and in the case of the latter, whether it’s intentional or unintentional, so that’s definitely something to watch out for. Other than that, I’ll only know more when I’m past it and I can see more clearly.
Another thing to avoid doing is making huge decisions during this time. If I’m not thinking clearly, then I might not be seeing what I think I’m seeing, or I might be missing something that I can’t see yet. Everything is veiled, and I don’t have (and can’t possibly see) all the facts, nor am I capable of pure logic right now. There’s just not enough clarity. Neptune will lift his fog and pull away when he’s damn well ready, but not a day (or week or month) before. So, staying the (pre-existing) course is the wisest strategy right now.
The one thing I can trust and that I do know is that this is what’s happening now, and it goes a long way toward explaining what the hell I’ve been going through for the past couple years. So, at least there’s that. 😉