Back from the deep


It was a trying week.

I had another breakdown.

This one wasn’t my fault.

It came through the realization of the possibility that my partner may actually be mentally ill.  Maybe he is, and maybe he isn’t.

The loneliness I felt Monday night into Tuesday morning is the kind that dissolves your insides in acid, continuing to melt down and keep burning, even after there’s nothing left to burn.

I didn’t feel like I could legitimately bother anyone with this.  After all, it was a mess that I alone had gotten myself into.  It was mine and mine alone.

It was also 3…3:30…4am.

That doesn’t help the situation much.

No way was I going to rouse anyone out of a sound sleep to blubber out my latest theory.

And I have not been short on theories…

Maybe he’s depressed.  No wait–maybe he’s dysthymic.  No, there’s something else, something more.  Maybe it’s narcissism.  Nah, that can’t be right; he’s not grandiose.  OK, maybe he’s a misunderstood atypical Aspie (Asperger’s).  But no, he got a “normal” score on the Asperger’s quiz.  And besides, that doesn’t quite fit what I’m seeing, either.  Schizoid personality…

Oh my god.

Shit happens.  At least, maybe.  Maybe not.  My jury is still out.  Still in deliberations.

Instead of a continuation of the super-cool productive streak I began to notice last week, I took a nosedive and began putting my Inner Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Cue the Self-Care Mode.

Which means that I did jack shit at work this week.  The Silver Lining variable in the equation is that I can’t fire myself; otherwise, I probably would have.

I did, however, crank the YouTube videos of “Mess” by Ben Folds Five, Disturbed’s cover of “Sounds of Silence”, and “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd.

And I did go for 3 acupuncture treatments in a row (once a day).

And I took a lot of time for myself.  To ponder and contemplate.  To take stock of my life and realize just how fragile, and sometimes flimsy, it really is.

The sun sets a couple days later with me in much better shape.  I’m not sure what changed.  It’s possible that nothing changed.  Or maybe everything has changed.  Maybe the energy meridian imbalance that showed up so blatantly on the acupuncture evaluations began to unravel.  Maybe it was a few good talks with a few good friends.  The people who reached out to me right after I crashed probably had a lot to do with my recovery.  The latter is a definite.  I feel extremely blessed for that.

Maybe a few segments of quality conversation with my partner also alleviated some of my inner turmoil.

I can’t say I’m absolutely 100% yet, but I can honestly say that I’m almost there.

At least enough to have the energy to blog again.

I’m also curious again, reaching back out again, climbing back out of the rubble.

I think that eventually, it just might be OK.  Here’s hoping!

I plan to continue my calm, rational conversations with my partner, to sort things out.  I plan to call my mom for a good phone marathon, since we haven’t had one in a while.  I get to call a good friend tomorrow.  I might even reach out to another friend and see if we can get together and do something.  I’m also going to continue my self-care streak.

And I’m probably going to blog some more.  😉


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