Somehow, somewhere along the line, time moved into the fast lane. It sped up. I dropped unwittingly into a time warp. In fact, anyone who spends a lot of time in my physical presence noticed it, too. That’s how I know I’m not just being a metaphysical hypochondriac. 😉
Maybe time didn’t think I would notice. Maybe it thought it would just sneak into that fast lane, without so much as a turn signal. If I were traffic cop, I’d write time a citation for an illegal lane change. Because after all, you’re supposed to signal those. 😉
Not to be passed up/overtaken by time, I thought I’d move into the fast lane, too. I’m not saying I did speed, caffeine, or any other stimulant besides nicotine (I didn’t; I’m a good girl, for the most part).
But I decided to make a stealthy move of my own: I decided to live more. Maybe it’s the natural abundances of dopamine and BDNF, but I’m always seeking out “fresh blood”, new and exotic subject matter to study, books to read, concepts to learn, art to gaze upon, music to listen to, dots to connect, places to visit, languages to speak, cultures to immerse myself into, material to produce.
Even when I’m resting, vegging, or chillaxing, I’m doing something. I’m wearing an arse-groove into the couch for sure, but I’m also hoarding free-full-text research papers while watching some show that is not only entertaining, but something I can also probably learn something from.
I haven’t been able to figure out why I feel compelled to do this. I’ve always chocked it up to getting bored easily. I’ve always craved constant brain stimulation. Once one thing has been explored and sufficiently devoured, it’s time to move onto the next intellectual target, ASAP.
I feel like I’m trying to cram in as much as I can before–before what? It’s not like I’m old or reaching an end, at least not that I’m aware of. It’s not like I’m planning on going anywhere anytime soon. Given the longevity of my family members, I’m going to be around for a long time, also given that I don’t do anything stupid to shorten that trajectory.
But I’m fairly adept at not doing stupid things. I did enough of that in my previous life, something that I’ll no doubt write about in the future.
But I do sense that time sped up, and I began to suspect as such about seven years ago. And I have felt the obligation to speed up right along with it, to match it, to stay on par with it, to give it a run for its money.
Take, for example, today. I can write this post because I’m home early this afternoon, free to venture outside and be alone with my thoughts and my mobile/cell phone. I have this luxury because I accomplished about two full days’ worth of work in about three hours this morning.
That’s not all that unusual for me. I can only explain it as an inner drive to go, go, go, all the time. To keep working, keep learning, keep exploring, keep producing, keep thinking, keep feeding my brain.
And my brain is always hungry. It’s never quite satisfied; it always wants more, more, more. And right now, now, now.
For me, an effort is very cut and dry, black and white; it’s all or nothing. I either do something or I don’t, and if I do, then it’s all-out. I submerge myself in it completely, diving deep down, ever deeper, to depths I’ve never reached before.
I can say that it’s fun, but also exhausting. Hence the need to take in a steady stream of (pure, liquid) vaporized nicotine. Without that, time would pass me up, leave me in the dust, and maybe I could form some dust devil with myself, if only the climate were dry enough (everyone romanticizes the tropical regions, but I live in one and I can tell you it’s not paradise; it’s damp and heavy and full of mosquitos, and the sun beats down relentlessly making everything even heavier, all of which only adds to my restlessness).
But that’s OK. Because I like to travel, too. I will go to cooler and drier places when I can, and I stay inside a lot, or I’ll eat a lot of spicy food to dilate my blood vessels enough to combat the heat. At times like that, I simply say, “bring it”. When I eat spicy food, I still feel the heat, but I can afford to cease to care. It’s there, but it doesn’t affect me; it doesn’t win the battle, because I’m impervious to its effects.
What else did I do today? I did my work, of course, and of course, I’m blogging, and I sang to a few songs, very loudly. My vocal range and quality is a combination of three singers: Stevie Nicks (formerly of Fleetwood Mac, followed by a solo career), Kristin Hersh (of Throwing Muses, followed by a solo career), and Natalie Merchant (formerly of 10,000 Maniacs, also followed by a solo career).
Kristin Hersh is my true hero of the three, however. She’s amazing. If you’re not familiar with her, I highly recommend checking her out. 🙂
My brain is both left- and right-hemisphere dominant. For the longest time, I thought that’s why I learned so slowly but thoroughly; I thought I had to engage both hemispheres, whereas, from what my mom had said, others mostly engage one.
That’s probably not untrue. But, as I found out, there’s more to the story. I’m also autistic/an Aspie. So that exerts its influence, too. Maybe it explains more. Maybe it explains everything. Two theories needn’t be at odds with each other, after all. They’re allowed to say the same thing. Two perspectives are allowed to arrive at the same conclusion.
I’ve always been like this. I’ve never wanted to take a nap or go to bed. I’m lucky in that my parents never insisted on an early bedtime for me. I’m also lucky that my mom didn’t have any hard and fast rules about naps. Apparently I would cry if I thought I was having to go down for a nap.
What was I resisting? What was I afraid I would miss? I was definitely afraid of missing something, even for the few hours that I would be unconscious. I always wanted to be awake. Awake was where it was at.
Maybe the Aspie part explains the time warp part, too. Maybe I live in the past, present, and future at the same time. So maybe time as we know it exerts triple the effect on me. And maybe I feel obliged to do triple the work, triple the play, of others. Maybe I’m actually two or three people inside one body.
There’s more to that latter theory; I’ll probably explore it some more in a future post. I do feel it brewing inside, like I’m hatching it or pregnant with it.
Who knows? It’s not like I have all the answers (grin). In fact, I probably have more questions than answers.
But that’s OK. Not every question needs an answer right now. Even if I do feel the pressure to answer them all right away.
I just have to tell myself: it’s OK.