I apologize that this is another very-junior-high (or, in today’s vernacular, middle school) post. I inherited the Bathroom Humor Gene, which has always given me a penchant for a good fart joke.
I’d like to begin by apologizing to the, First Class cabin of American flight 6035.
I might as well have been a human Whoopie Cushion. And much like my now-Medicare-age father, I giggled my ass off. With any luck, I slipped by under the radar. But the quarters in an airplane are really close, so despite the fact that I was in the single seat on the left side, which meant that I had no one sitting immediately next to me, I’m sure that some of the fruit of the gastrointestinal loom could be experienced within a certain radius that expanded beyond my own nosehairs.
Some expulsions can be heard over the engines, if you know what to listen for.
If you’re having a tough time, you don’t dare lift one butt cheek; if you do and it smells worse than you had anticipated, or its reach stretches further than you expected a few minutes later, They’re Going To Know.
Best thing to do is switch body positions a little. Sniffle a little out of one side of your nose as though one side of your sinuses are congested, and that will give you the opportunity to lean toward the un-congested side and, in the process, lift a butt cheek incognito.
The thing is, you have to make it believable, which usually means at least a few more sniffles, some mouth-breathing, and staying in that position for at least a few minutes. Any odor that ensues would probably not link back to you.
Just whatever you do, don’t break down giggling like I did. Think of shriveling trees or sandals over socks or something. If you feel the urge to giggle, or one escapes and betrays you, just turn toward the window and look out; people can’t see your face, and if they see your face scrunch or your shoulders shudder, they might think you’re crying.
Potential pitfall: if you live in a very friendly region like I do, people might think that’s an open door to probe and ask you if you’re OK, what’s wrong, or is there anything they can do for you.
FunFact of the Obvious Kind: the turn-toward-the-window trick only works if you actually have a window seat. Otherwise you’re screwed.
Option B: you can bury your stifled giggles into your partner’s arm. Heads Up: this only works if A) you’re traveling with someone else and not alone; seat-mates who are otherwise strangers will think you’ve lost your mind; which, if you’re giggling that hard at farts (like I do), then you probably have, and B) your partner either 1) did not smell the fart, 2) did notice it but doesn’t know it’s you, or 3) noticed it, tracked down its source, and forgave you anyway.
OK, I’m going to go sit in the corner now. 😉