Speaking of the fascinating functions of the human body… This is a completely, utterly juvenile post. 🙂 If you currently hold an angelic, dignified impression of me, and you would like to maintain that idealistic vision, then you’ll probably want to hit your browser’s “back” button, right about…now.
I have a probably-genetic streak of attraction to humor regarding bathrooms and other body functions (lol). Yep, I know it’s immature and childish. And yep, I know it’ll probably repel some people (who may or may not also be secretly giggling), but–full disclosure–I’m probably going to be laughing my ass off while writing this and with any luck, some of you might laugh your ass off while reading it. 🙂
OK, here goes…
Most people are relatively familiar with The Shit List. It categorizes every type of….Number 2, and describes it in concise-yet-vivid detail, in ways in which everyone can nod knowingly because, whether we talk about it openly or not (and, well, my paternal lineage does), it’s safe to say that everyone can relate. It’s probably for that reason that it went hard-copy-viral, long before there was ever Facebook or Pinterest.
I don’t know who brought us The Shit List, but today, I bring you…. The Belch List.
(Full confession: I speak from (extensive) experience.)
The Gravelly Burp – the type that you might expect out of a truck driver. It’s raspy and probably somewhat forced, just because it brings a proportional amount of relief.
The “Booger” Burp – nope, we’re not talking about mucoid substances; this is in reference to the seemingly-eternal Gravelly Burp as performed by the character known as “Booger” in the movie “Revenge of the Nerds”. Basically, all you have to do is take a somewhat long Gravelly Burp, record it, and loop it, stringing several copies together into what sounds like one long, throaty marathon.
The “Ott” Burp (aka “The Parrot”) – the type that takes on an “o” sound like that found in the words “clock” or “odd” as it comes out. It’s sort of a matter-of-fact burp, making a brief and simple statement. You can almost hear the period at the end, the definitiveness of its confidence. It could also be referred to as “The Parrot” because of the short squawking sounds made by the bratty bird.
The Big Bang Burp – as in, the type that emerges without warning, in full glory, much to the wide-eyed surprise of the human source. Even they didn’t know it was coming. These are surprisingly loud and full, the type that, under normal circumstances, you might feel an advance warning. But these are like the Big Bang (without the Theory) – they come from out of nowhere, with no rational explanation. If Murphy from Murphy’s Law lives at your house (or in your shadow), these will strike at the most inopportune times, in the most inopportune places.
The Stuck Burp – this is on the other end of the Burp Spectrum from the Big Bang Burp, these give almost too much warning. They’ll sort of germinate and marinate for-what-seems-like-ever, until you’re like “enough is enough” and put forth a conscious exertion effort to set it free once and for all.
The Seismic Burp – the type that could register as bouts of localized geological instability. As in, it seems to release a volume of gas that’s larger than its human source. No matter what size that person may be, you’re left wondering how they produced something of that magnitude. There’s usually well-rounded, full-bodied, bass-rich audio to match. But audio isn’t the only one of the Five Special Senses that gets stimulated; if you’re standing close enough to the person, you’ll probably feel it, too.
The Make-Your-Vision-Shake Burp – size isn’t everything; this doesn’t necessarily have to be a Belch of Size at all. It could actually be rather mediocre in auditory volume. What counts here is the harshness of the vibration, the extent to which the air vibrates as it travels past the esophagus. Some burps are very vibration-heavy. At that moment, if you pay attention, you’ll notice that your vision vibrates appropriately.
The Singe-Your-Nose-Hairs Burp – for best results, take a few swigs of Barq’s Root Beer, because Barq’s lives up to its name: it really is the soda with the most “bite”. I believe the Bite Factor comes from its level of carbonation or something; and to singe your nose hairs (which can sting–if you have a low threshold for temporary nasal pain, do not try this at home), you’re going to need carbonation. Truthfully, any soda will do, but Barq’s is the most efficient.
Back to the burp… The singiest ones don’t come up soon after you take the soda swigs, however; the most potent varieties will germinate and marinate almost like a Stuck Burp, but the SYNH Burps don’t necessarily have to get stuck first. All they have to do is come out your nose. Thus, these are most likely to strike in public places where, as long as you remember to do so, you’ll usually burp with your mouth closed.
The Hiccup-Burp (aka “The Zero Sum Game”) – this must be hereditary in my family or something, because my mother and her sister have always done it, but it doesn’t appear to be universal. Unlike most of the others, I’m not sure this one can be done at-will. (Yes, most of the others listed above can indeed be voluntary, or at least “voluntarily assisted”.)
The way this burp works is to hiccup first (which is why this particular type is involuntary), and then, the air sucked in during the hiccup gets expelled as a burp. It can be considered a “Zero Sum” because although you take air in on the hiccup, that same amount of air is immediately let out in the burp that just-as-immediately follows the hiccup. You don’t even have time to recover from the hiccup first; and ultimately, you’re left with the amount of air you started with. Talent, I tell you.
The Giggle-Dissolution Burp – the type of burp that starts out really awesome, full-bodied, with plenty of audio projection (such as the Seismic Burp or the Make-Your-Vision-Shake Burp), but if you’re like me and you can’t keep a straight face, so the burp dissolves into giggles instead, fading out or truncating prematurely.
The Alphabet Holy Grail – the kind of belch that’s so incredibly long that yes, you can indeed recite the entire alphabet in a single belch. Known as the Holy Belch Grail and sought after by teenagers worldwide, it’s almost Trophy-Worthy. A lightyear more impressive than a “Booger” Burp.
Consider all of the elements that must come together synchronistically to make this happen. You’ve got to consume enough Barq’s and let the carbonation build up sufficiently, complete with just the right amount of intestinal fermentation of the sugar. Then you have to be positioned optimally; Physics Counts. Additionally, it typically requires some kind of “assist” (i.e., a breath drawn in). And lastly, it cannot dissolve into a Giggle-Dissolution Burp, because that breaks the burp-streak and thus, the alphabet. It’s rarer than a Blue Moon, or even a purple one.
I’ve done it twice.