Today I’m processing. Trying to make sense of what happened yesterday. Trying to reconcile equal and conflicting feelings of relief, grief, and emptiness. Caught in a twilight zone between “meh, I’m OK; it’s just another Saturday” and complete cognitively-paralyzing brain fog.
It’s like going through a “fun house” as a little kid, that’s not quite so “fun”. The type with the scary clowns that jump out at you.
I saw tragedy hit that person. And those people. And others over there. But I always fear that someday, it’s going to hit me.
I had nothing planned for the weekend, which I reckon is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, there is nothing to anchor, structure, or distract. My day can twist and turn in any direction it wants to, which, after something like this, is usually a darker one.
On the other hand, there’s also nothing to have to put on a (masked) face for, nothing to Just Get Through, no motions to have to go through, no social interaction to have to force, and no smile to have to fake. No lies of “I’m fine, thanks” to have to tell, which would be as much to convince myself as it would be to convince anyone else.
My partner seems OK, but who knows?
I seem OK, but who knows that, either?
Would I have been better off having had something planned for today? Or is it just as well that my day is sort of a free-for-all?
Am I really OK? Is my fog constructed from some emotion that I’m feeling simply because it’s expected and the socially acceptable state of mind after the event? Or is it for real, having been shaken to the core?
I’m inclined to believe the latter, that it’s for real. It’s hard for me to discern whether or not I’ve been shaken (I probably was and didn’t/don’t realize it fully), and if I was, then how much? Strangely enough, that’s difficult for me to tell, too. I often don’t realize just how much I’ve been affected by something. Sometimes it takes years for me to realize the full extent.
Certain elements play over and over again, in a semi-endless, chaotic loop in my head. Certain sights and sounds have permanently etched themselves in my memory. I’m sure that a neurological loop has been formed, the impact of which I might not become completely aware of until the most inopportune time.
It’s cloudy here today, and much cooler, probably by about 20 degrees Fahrenheit, with mildly gusty winds coming out of the north.
The clouds probably don’t help my mindset, but I like the cooler temperatures. The overcast skies add a blanket of mysticism and melancholy to the milieu.
But that’s OK. I’m increasingly at peace with it.
I know that there are people lying in hospital beds today. Or maybe they’ve been released, with or without neck braces.
I feel a pang of guilt at the idea that my biggest dilemma for the day is which movie I should watch tonight. Or which blog I might write a post for. Or which music I want to listen to. Or which book I feel like reading.
It feels weird. Maybe it will for a while. Or maybe it won’t. My crystal ball needs a software update.
Tomorrow will be better than today. And the day after that will be better than tomorrow.
Today in itself is not so bad. It’s not nearly as abysmal as this post may sound. I’m just doing what I do slowest: processing. 🙂