Facebook Bingo


Yes.  I know I should be working.  But I see a light at the end of the tunnel, a phenomenon which just so happens to correspond to my desperate need for a change of scenery at this moment in time.  And besides, I own the place (ahh, the advantages of self-employment); so it’s not exactly like I’m going to get written up.  Lucky me…maybe.

I keep thinking that if Facebook posts were Jeopardy! and we could classify our posts under said categories, my personal categories would be:

  • Government is corrupt and tyrannical.  Obama is Hitler.  Guns rule (aka Down With Government)
  • Texas is way better than anywhere else
  • Cute puppies and kitties
  • Funny, sarcastic, and true one-liner cartoons (bonus points for perversion, substance references, or profanity)
  • Inspirational, cosmic, spiritual sayings
  • Eclectic/forgotten/unknown music videos to alternative songs from about 1985 till present, complete with commentary
  • Conspiracy, “1984”, sheeple, wake-up-America (aka More Down With Government)

But those are my categories; those of others may differ.  I’ve noticed a few themes.  You probably have, too.  It’s mildly amusing, too.  You may have seen these characters hanging around.  Imagine a Bingo card, in which every space contains one of the following… (note: not all of these are annoying or pet peeves of mine; simply observation).

The Preacher – you know the type–the one who always posts quotes of Bible verses, or references to God, Jesus, the Lord, our Savior, etc.  This doesn’t exactly annoy me, as I’m very much a live-and-let-live type of person (unless you’re texting while driving; then I’m going to give you a high five.  In the face.  With a chair) and the First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.

Since I’m not Christian myself, however, these verses have no impact on me.  It’d be like saying “I have chairs on my deck.”

The Stick in the Mud – this is the guy/girl who pops up occasionally, and only to disagree with a post or opinion.  Eventually, you start to wonder why you added this person to your friends list in the first place.  I don’t mind disagreement at all–vive la difference and all that; but I have a problem with people who can’t interact with me other than to disagree.

The Causehead (bonus points for the passive-aggressive guilt trip) – “Please share/post this on your wall for one hour.  I know 97% of you won’t.”  The core message is usually wonderful–speaking out against child abuse or cancer cure suppression and all that–but the effect is instantly lost with the practical order to re-post.  I’m not going to annoy my friends with a guilt trip, thanks.

A-List – “[Friend’s name] was at [Place, usually some restaurant or bar]” – not annoying, either.  But my response definitely falls in line with the “I have chairs on my deck” phenomenon.

Mommy-brain with Baby Rabies – “mykidsmykidsmykids!!!11!1ONE” – the endless avalanche of baby pictures, with bonus points for up-to-the-minute play-by-play of the kid’s developmental milestone achievements and other daily activities.  (Please, parents, draw the line at excretions.  We don’t want to hear about this morning’s diaper blow-out.  Luckily, my friends are too classy for this, but I’ve heard horror stories from others whose friends post TMI.)

Sidenote: why is it that I can post a great quote or status and maybe 4 people will acknowledge it, and yet that same day (it’s happened) someone with kids can post the same thing (or something more trivial and less interesting) and drum up 46 responses.  Whaaa?

The Negative Nelson/Nellie – only posts status updates to whine about something, usually a job, health problems (especially if they don’t actually do anything about them), or self-induced cash-flow problems

Cute animal pictures.  Quiet, you.  They’re cute.  (I’m actually guilty of this one; therefore, it’s OK.)

Blurry, low-quality cellphone pictures of dimly-lit bars/clubs – to chronicle last night’s indulgence with 15 friends and provide proof of our obnoxiousness.  But it did seem funny at the time.  And, it probably was.

Dumb memes – luckily, my friends haven’t gotten too heavily into this.  Some are so dumb they’re awesome, though – like the one that says “Share this goat…for no reason at all”

Decent memes – my favorite recent one is something about having added rum to a workout and calling it Bacardio.  Or practically any Grumpy Cat picture.  These are priceless.  (This one is OK, too.)

Gourmet Chef Wannabe – ah, yes – a picture of your food, just before diving in.  Sometimes these pictures are well-taken and other times, not so much so.  This compulsion (of some, not me) reminds me of holiday gatherings and my grandmother holding everyone off at the end of the kitchen buffet so she can snap pictures of the food first.

Sideline Jock – I admit, I do dread Facebook a little on Sundays.  Half the posts are nothing but “Go [Home Team]”, “Beat [Rival Team]”, or complaining about their team, the opposing team, or a referee’s decision.

Smartass – a type of Decent Meme, with a dash of snark and a cup full of who-gives-a-fuck.  Bonus points if it’s done in eCard or (De)motivational poster style.

Amateur Photographer – I see a lot of this, because I have lots of friends into photography.  This is actually cool, because there are some really eye-popping pictures out there.  Bonus points for surreal Photoshop effects, especially if they weren’t actually Photoshopped; even more bonus points if it could qualify as a cool CD album cover.  (This are fine if done right.)

Throw(way)back (machine) – Those of you (us…including me) who post old skool music videos featuring a rap, pop, or dance tune from yesteryear that everyone secretly wishes the radio would still play.  (I have no problem with this, either.)

Zealous Fundies – these are not the same as the innocent, well-meaning Preachers posting Bible verses.  Nope, these folks are the ones who “like” a page just to start posting opposing comments on it, starting arguments.  These posts are usually long-winded, irrational, overly emotional, and prejudiced.  They’re usually replying to something of which they’ve missed the entire point and are not well informed.  The grammar and spelling are usually guttural.  Bonus points if it ends with a self-righteous “I will pray 4 U”.  (Obviously, these aren’t that cool.)

Disappearing Cloak – the one who unfriends you without warning, never says a word, and leaves you to guess what went wrong and where you now stand.


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