Sex Flags Over Texas: My (wet) dream of an adult theme park

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One of the biggest follies ever to occur in the world of entertainment was when Las Vegas decided to become more “family-friendly” a few decades ago.

It shouldn’t need to be said that this could only spell disaster for the Sin Capital of the globe.

It also shouldn’t need to be said that with all free-wheelin’ adults-only spirit packed into a few city blocks, this Isn’t.  The place.  For kids.  Parents, there is one place on earth in which it should be a given that its occupants can assume freedom of the presence of your children.

So one day, my partner and I possessed the rare and dangerous combination of spare time and extra mental energy.

And in the words of Ray in “Ghostbusters” when the ominous Stay Puft marshmallow man appeared, “it just popped in there”:  Sex Flags Over Texas, a perverted adults-only play on the Six Flags amusement park franchise.

And from there, it rolled down the hill.  We decided that our future amusement park would remain staunchly child-free (as in, no one under 21), and boast the following features:

  • Ride: The Ejaculator Seat
  • Ride: A Zip Line (where you grab a set of handlebars and roll down a wire) that doubles as an S & M Trapeze
  • Ride: The Swings are renamed “Swingers” with structural adaptations to allow for wild imagination
  • Ride: Special Bumper Cars
  • Midway Game: the balloons attached to the wall at which you throw darts are boobs that feature nipples
  • Midway Game: Fun House with distortion mirrors positioned at genital level
  • Concessions: your only options are wieners and (chicken) breasts
  • Heavy Petting Zoo (self-explanatory)
  • May I reiterate: no one under 21
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