Part 2 has long been overdue, so without any meaningful introduction…
61. Attempt to score points on someone else’s dartboard.
62. Share a bottle of wine with my sister.
63. Drive a somewhat-large rig while my siblings roll joints and light them in the back seat.
64. Bowling is not shot-put.
65. A riding lawn mower is not a street-legal vehicle.
66. Drive as if I have a cowcatcher on the grille of my truck.
67. Draw my sword from its sheath at the Renaissance Festival.
68. Speak in Ye Olde Englishe in the office (aka the Office is not Ye Olde Bone Shoppe).
69. Bring up the theory of mortality of Jesus Christ with my Catholic grandparents.
70. Ever divulge to said grandparents that I converted to Buddhism at my wedding, as they watched.
71. If anyone asks, we found a suitable church and I still attend Saturday night mass. Honest.
72. Drive through tornadic activity on I-35.
73. Burn B.O. pictures in effigy.
74. Begin a sentence with, “a burp is like a white blood cell…”
75. Log onto Facebook during work hours. Even if I’m self-employed.
76. Quote the Arrogant Worms, especially “The Last Saskatchewan Pirate” (ergo, it is not a Constitutional right to “screw the GST”).
77. Materialize Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be a Redneck If…” criteria.
78. Get into debates with tree-huggers.
79. Experiment with Voodoo.
80. Make bodily noises with balloons.
81. Deprive balloons of their helium.
82. Randomly quote Texts From Last Night in mixed company.
83. Bring yellow food coloring to the community pool.
84. Have loud conversations with the cat before dawn.
85. Attempt to communicate with said cat in his native language.
86. Emulate House during patient visits.
87. Engage in any TV-show-related drinking games.
88. Alter the honor student-themed bumper stickers of Commie Mommie.
89. Reposition the stick figure family decals on the back windows of family-owned SUVs.
90. Show up to Christian confirmation classes playing or singing REM’s “Losing My Religion”
91. Attempt to set off car alarms with the pharyngeal expulsion of gas.
92. Wander the aisles of touch-activated Halloween or Christmas toys unattended.
93. Refer to the back room of Red Lobster (with the family-sized round tables) as the Romper Room.
94. The IRS will process your check, even if you wrote “Thieving Assholes” in the pay-to line.
95. The following fairground Donutland items do not exist: left-handed scrapers, checkered paint, keys to Unit 4, cutter fluid, and flipper wrenches.
96. Ask new baggers (donut cashiers) what they would do for a Klondike bar.
97. Accelerate to 88 mph in hopes that I’ll travel back to 1955.
98. Panhandle for change while saying, “save Ferris?”
99. People are not required to “respect my authoritah”
100. Use the phrase “back in the day” when talking with people older than I.
101. I am not the saxophonist for Cap’n Geech & the Shrimp Shack Shooters.
102. Burning incense in my truck will not completely cover up the smoke smell.
103. Even if it was a clove cigarette.
104. Just because “We Are the Champions” is stubbornly running through my head does not give me license to spread said contagion.
105. Rush hour traffic is not a video game and Smart Cars are not “extra points”.
106. My RenFest costume does not have the added bonus of turning me invisible.
107. Invoking the Traffic Ninja does not exalt me above state traffic laws.
108. The living room is not big enough to practice the karate bo form.
109. Ride in the bed of a pickup truck and taunt the cars behind us.
110. Suggest, even jokingly, that concepts of cannibalism and vampirism came from the bread and blood of Christ respectively.
111. Attend a Yuk-a-Flux ever.
112. Broadcast AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” over the CB.
113. Tug on Chad’s police officer uniform…take his word for it when he says it’s not what you think it is.
114. Debate gay marriage with right-wing Christian fundamentalists.
115. Mom & Dad’s Ford Escape is not a “Fisher Price Toy”.
116. Gun control does indeed extend beyond “use both hands”. Be sure to aim carefully, too.
117. Suggest that DCs should have prescription rights at an ICA meeting.
118. Refer to DD, BJ, and the Innate as the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
119. Attempt to drive my pickup truck before both my eyes are open.
120. Attempt to share my music selections with the car next to me.
121. Engage in a stereo volume war with the car next to me.
122. Engage in close-range handheld radio squawk wars.
123. Argue with Californians or Oklahomans.
124. Add my commentary to the presidential debates on TV.
125. Invading peoples’ personal space to creep them out.
126. Ingest pseudoephedrine lest I start making associations between the appearance of certain types of tornadoes and uncircumcised penises.
127. Throw gasoline on the pseudoephedrine by consuming caffeine (lest it turn me into the Great Cornholio).
128. Sing along with songs by belching.
129. Whirl a fork or butter knife like a sword/blade in one hand and holler “surrender!”
130. Attempt to solve every problem with nothing more than duct tape, corn starch, or bailing wire.
By the way, this is a follow-up to a previous post. Here is Part 1.