Ever heard of Skippy’s List? Well now you have. Definitely worth a surf-on-over, because it’s totally funnier than my house-brand knock-off. See, Skippy’s been in the military and I haven’t and he has way more balls than I do, but I am indeed leading up to the idea that I have a list of my own.
I didn’t entirely make it up; much of my forbidden list has indeed been decided for me over the years. Sorry if it’s boring; I’ve got 10mg of diphenhydramine in me that will slowly lay a warm inviting blanket over my brain. That’s the story I’m sticking to, anyway. In the interest of hitting the “Publish” button sometime before that happens, here goes…
Things Kitty is not allowed to do:
1. Ingest carbonation.
2. Eat with a fork.
3. Watch George Carlin while eating.
4. Watch Animaniacs’ Great Wakkorotti without an AED and a full oxygen tank within easy reach.
5. Own any firearm larger than a little .22.
6. Own a butane-based lighter.
7. Call the Four Quarters.
8. Play with a Ouija board.
9. Shoot Greg’s cactus.
10. Ingest Ornade.
11. Sneeze with Maddie in the room.
12. Sneeze while my partner is holding a cat.
13. Debate politics with my father.
14. Add my commentary to TV commercials.
15. Watch direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical commercials.
16. Enter Half-Price Books alone with the debit card.
17. Shoot the AR-15 without supervision.
18. Light off fireworks over friends’ houses.
19. Light off fireworks during a burn ban.
20. Remind Greg that he graduated high school the year I was born hehe.
21. Make fun of Greg’s new pickup, even if my 10-year-old pickup outperforms it.
22. Wander the audio section of Fry’s or Bjorn’s unattended.
23. Watch “1000 Ways To Die” after midnight.
24. Park the pickup horizontally across four compact car parking spaces to make a “statement”.
25. Trace my blood vessels on my hands with ink pens.
26. Position Bob The Office Skeleton in suggestive or raunchy positions.
27. Simulate Bob partaking in gross activities.
28. Attempt to use my Jedi Knight tricks on my bowling ball.
29. Whip out my Inner Ninja to outsmart rush hour traffic.
30. Pound on the apartment ceiling in retaliatory response to the upstairs neighbors playing rambunctiously with their portly little dog.
31. Even if it’s 12.30am.
32. Have caffeine ever.
33. Yell “Goddammit to hell, son-of-a-bitch” in school halls like Idgie Threadgoode on Fried Green Tomatoes.
34. Get high on Ghiradelli’s chocolate cherry milkshakes and then march around the local mall belting out showtunes to Disney movies (specifically, Aladdin).
35. Listen to talk radio, especially Michael Savage.
36. Drive through a raging flood, even if it is the only way to get to Hobby Lobby.
37. Drive 51 mph in a 35.
38. Drive 53 in a 35.
39. Transliterate what I thought I heard in mixed company.
40. Attempt to belch the ABCs.
41. Get into debates with vegetarians.
42. Run raunchy YouTube video searches.
43. Check the practice’s email account after hours.
44. Start a Dan Brown book after 10pm.
45. Imitate Beavis (from “Beavis & Butthead”) in public.
46. Go Smart Car tippin’
47. Look at recent pictures of Robert Smith (of The Cure).
48. Flip coffee creamers into the window blinds at truck stops with my fork.
49. Watch the Family Guy or King of the Hill “smokin'” episodes.
50. Light cottonwood patches along the street on fire.
51. Watch South Park while intoxicated.
52. I am not the Great Cornholio.
53. Listen to Gogol Bordello’s song “Not A Crime” before 8am or after 10pm.
54. Enter into debates with straight/principled chiropracTORs.
55. Listen to Stompin’ Tom in a donut trailer.
56. Send an inexperienced bagger (donut cashier) to the other trailer for a left-handed scraper.
57. Do the dishes without laying down extra towels first.
58. Log onto the Galaxy BBS. Ever.
59. Get into debates with card-carrying liberals.
60. The Civil War is over and like it or not, the Yankees won. For now.