Not only do we no longer screw goats and swill sherry for fun (10 points for anyone who catches the movie reference), but I’m no longer vegetarian and talk radio personalities no longer bother me, as I no longer listen to talk radio. Not as a matter of principle, mind you, but more like a lack of opportunity.
So anyway, an updated version is in order. Here goes…
STFU #1: Moomies, Mawms, however you’d like to refer to them.
The breeder-not-parents that schlep among us with strollers bigger than my last apartment. Well hell, they’d need to be, because they’re carting around 4 separate IVF kids who still piss themselves at 6 and can’t be bothered to walk on their own without whining. Did I mention that they’re already approaching obesity and headed for (if not already on) Ritalin?
Breeders suck. This is not to say that all parents suck, because there is a (big) subset of parents who actually, you know, parent. Rather, these are the people who will actually chew out the principal when s/he calls home about their kid throwing spitballs at the teacher. Their special snowflake can do no wrong, and woe be to anyone who thinks differently. These are also the same parents who will purposefully have their low-functioning, junk-food-scarfing kid diagnosed with some behavioral disorder, because:
- it elicits sympathy;
- it provides an excuse;
- it’s the fast track to forced chemical sedation/control, and
- it can even be a fast-track toward some financial assistance/incentives.
Breeders want to take their kids every-fucking-where. No space is sacred. No restaurant too fancy, no movie too mature, no party/shindig too adult-oriented. Everyone, everywhere will eventually be awestruck at the sheer stupidity required to make some dumbassed parent think it’s OK to bring their screaming shit machine to some dignified event. Say good-bye to sanity.
STFU #2: Political candidates from either side of the establishment.
That’s the key word here: establishment. No matter whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, if they tow the party line, they are scum and under them, the nation is doomed to eventual failure.
Because both sides are looking out for themselves, and at your expense. They seek to gain control over you and everything you do, but in different ways.
The Left-wing wants to build the healthcare database in which everything is “paid for” but in turn, they also receive all information about you and then, approve or deny health care based on what they think you ought to do.
The Right-wing wants to monitor all of your internet and phone traffic in the interest of “national security”.
STFU #3: Old people.
Not all old people, of course. But you know the type. The ones who incessantly whine about being on a “fixed income” (they should be so lucky – and while we’re at it, someone should remind them that not only are they the last generation to be able to utilize any kind of Medicare benefit, but they also had their property taxes fixed also).
Many restaurants, craft stores, and movie theaters all have senior discounts for no other reason.
Today’s young people work harder and harder so that old people can enjoy what is the last bastion of actual retirement as we know it. We’re paying into a system we’ll never see any payback from. Our own dollars go less and less far. If anyone has a right to whine, it’s the Generation X and Y.
STFU #4: 4) Religious Fundamentalists (Fundies).
Again, you know the type. The ones who parrot “Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior” as if someone pulled a string in their back. The ones who, when backed into a logical corner, start reciting Bible verses because it’s all they have to fall back on and it provides them a get-out-of-independent-thought-free card. Heaven forbid they should actually think for themselves and form their own opinions. Some of these folks are some of the most caustic, judgmental, and hypocritical individuals. They don’t even have a sense of humor.
STFU #5: Conventional doctors who call what we do a sham and actually attempt to persuade patients not to utilize any alternative or integrative methods.
Just wow. Very mediocre and insecure. Also extremely uninformed. That’s OK, though; it only makes them appear that much less intelligent and backward.
STFU #6: People who mistakenly think that their health insurance policy covers (or should cover) everything.
Yes, I know they pay a high monthly premium. But the fact is, it’s still overpriced crisis care. While these insurance companies talk about all the benefits their customers receive and how they care about their customers and all that jazz, look again at your contract and benefits statements. There are more exclusions than there are covered services!
And meanwhile behind the scenes, they are paying consulting firms good money to come up with ways to screw doctors out of their hard-earned money (ever wonder why they have to see so many patients in an hour?)
Then the insurance company denies a bunch of services and sends those denials to the doctor’s office, so now they’re saddled with the task of calling up the patient and breaking the bad news. Then on top of that, the doctor looks like the bad guy. S/he isn’t.
STFU #7: Independent contractor practitioners who want to be fed, not pay much rent, and/or want to take home most of the revenue.
Uh, no. First of all, we’ll pass you who we can but if you’re not busy, it’s ultimately your fault/responsibility.
Second, in lieu of you having to hunt for a place, do market research, negotiate the contract, design and estimate the buildout, put up a security deposit, pay your rent each month, pay your monthly utilities, hire and train a receptionist, research and decide on credit card processing, pay processing fees, set up a website, optimize the website, take out and design an ad, etc, etc, you simply show up, use our supplies, bring any other supplies you want, we’ll market and schedule you, and then you get to go home.
We’re the ones here until 8pm every night working on things and thinking about things and hashing things over, not you.
So yeah – we think we deserve at least half. And I’m not going to apologize for that.
STFU #8: Practitioners who don’t appear when they’re available, then won’t answer their phone during their hours, and then call back at the last possible minute such that it’s too late to take that walk-in client, who then bitch that the client in pain should’ve been made to wait until a day when the LMT already had clients on the books.
Uh, no again. Don’t bitch and moan when that walk-in client in pain decides to go with our other practitioner for therapy because he finds he likes her even better after going out on a limb and trying her out because we tried to get ahold of you and you wouldn’t answer your phone.
Don’t tell me you were actually going to make this client suffer another day and that you resent the other practitioner who was here for being able to take him.
Hey – we tried to get ahold of you first. You reap what you sew. In this case, that was nothing, because you flaked out.
STFU #9: Freecreditscore commercials.
The FTC smacked them down a couple years ago, telling them they couldn’t advertise free credit score when really they were signing people up for a very-not-free monthly credit monitoring service. So why in the hell did these same creeps appear on my TV screen a few months later?? Anyone…anyone?
STFU #10: Pretty much all other commercials.
Yes, that’s right, Madison Avenue. You’re ridiculous. You’re a bunch of idiot pansies who think you’re being all cutesy and witty and that you’re bringing something new to the table.
Well, in the last sense, you are. Never before have commercials been so dumb.
Or “Good Mood Food”?
Or Quizzno’s “mm-mm-mm-mm-mm”.
Really? That’s the best you can do?
Houston, you have a problem.